This week’s Torah portion contains the Shema and V’ahavta. There are wonderful passages about God’s oneness, about loving God, about listening. I could write pages about each of them, but today, I want to focus on one verse: “You shall teach these words to your children…”
Judaism has always been a child-oriented religion. Our most important ritual – Shabbat – is centered around the family dinner table. And when our ancestors left Egypt, Moses gave a speech to inspire them – not about freedom, not about God, but about the importance of teaching our children. Our hopes, our dreams, our vision of a better world have always centered on our children.
But as our children get older, parenting can get more difficult. And inevitably, there is the moment when your teenager slams a door in your face and tells you that they hate you.
It would be easy if we could do a Vulcan mind meld, if we could somehow transfer our wisdom into the minds of our children. But God didn’t intend it that way. Every generation must make its own mistakes, and every generation must learn its own lessons. And every generation creates a better world than the one before. In the end, all we can do is open our hearts to our children and love them.
I guess I’ve been lucky. I have two grown-up children; kind, loving people who are working to create a better world. And I’ve worked with two generations of teens in my congregation. And the secret, I’ve discovered, is to love them, to learn from them, to enter their world.
My best Bar/Bat Mitzvah class was the one where I didn’t try to teach them. They would walk into class every week and ask “What are we going to do?” “I don’t know,” I would tell them. “What do you think we should do?” And within minutes, they created a sacred community. They kids scattered around the room, praying together, calling students who were sick, helping each other with the struggles of being thirteen. And I just stood in a corner, quietly thanking the Holy One for the chance to see them.
The Baal Shem Tov wrote that the way to help difficult children is to love them. And a disciple of Rav Nachman taught that our children need our love even when they are older. “They need us to give them our hearts, even when they have their own children,” he wrote, “because they will have their own unique heartaches. For him, loving our children and entering their worlds was the most important thing a Jew could do:
Our children need so many things from us when they are young. It is up to you to give them your soul – to show them all of the good and all of the holiness that is inside you. Show your children kindness and treat them with a soft heart. You will make them stronger, and they will give you nachas all of your days.
Set aside one hour each week as Shabbat is ending, and make that hour holy for you and your children. Take them to shul and teach them and talk with them. Tell them stories, read books to them, and answer their questions.
If they’ve learned something, or if they’ve done something wonderful, then praise them. But if they’re struggling, don’t be hard on them. Just listen, and give them a soft heart. Go down to their level, and take their words seriously. Through your kindness and your willingness to listen, you will raise them up and help them to be successful.
In the end what do you have, besides children to say Kaddish for you.
In this time of stress, when it seems like our entire nation is on fire, may we open our hearts to our children. And may our children and our children’s children build a better world.